Since I'm on this topic, I'm gonna blog about everything that I had edited away in the past, whatever I can think of. Most of them concerns jun, bong they all. I can only assume thoughts around me cos some I never dare to clarify, last time too paiseh la. Who would want to admit herself as an outcast?

Bong didnt sit near jun and me. Being a natural socializable person she is, she quickly settle with shanying & theresa. Being a very unsocialble person I am, (cos I'm damn fickle in choosing friends and dont see the need of having so many, mafan) I cringed away, when spoke to I just ah hmm um. Wont deny I was jealous, and pissed cos I felt neglected la. Everyone has there up & down time de can! Luckily Jun was always there when I need her, well.. most of the time anyway. We both were in the same boat ma.. Things were better for jun cos she was more rational than me, I was more easily controled by my temper. Things were better in sec4 anyway.

4.4 chalet, billie invited weetong that bunch to play bridge with shanying or theresa when I'm like sitting there, feeling stupid cos I have no idea why on earth I'm sitting there looking like I'm not there at all. Maybe cos I couldnt play bridge but that doesnt mean that I'm not willing to learn. I could still depend on my beginner luck right? Feeling somewhat angry I left the room to watch the boys playing some violent game -___- . It's just my opinion but think Jun felt the same way as I did too. Afterall, Jun & me arrived at the chalet at the same time and left bout 2 hours later, give or take. The time we spent with Billie is like 2% of it. *roll eyes. I think we spent more time with the stray cat around the chalet than we had with bong. Imagine that ya. Painful.

I had always imagined Jun, Bong and me as one clique, in class. Outside it includes Gaoning. From sec3 to 4 Shanying has been tagging with bong at almost everything we do. Again, pissed and angry. I just feel protective over my friends la, it's kind of "She's my GF so only I can dominate her can!" feel. So why on earth is shanying hovering around us almost everytime? Doesnt she know we're 1 clique. Call me petty for all I care, but I just didnt like it. It's not majorly because shanying is getting bong's attention all the time.

It more because when there's anything, eg.when shanying wants to go to toilet or something. She would always call Bong, like I'm invisible. Even if bong is busy and refused her, shanying would go alone without even bothering to ask me. wth? Am I that fierce in school or something. Or was there a big bold black font on my forehead that says,
"If you are not Bong, jun or GN please shoo off and dont talk to me."

Nope, I just see alot of pimples I dont see the words.

It's just polite right? I'm not even offensive with shanying. I sit with her during econs so I dont think it's that bad. Sometimes when I really couldnt hold in my temper I would tell bong to like tell shanying that I'm not angry with her. So things were better on the next few days but gradually return to what they were before. I just give up after some time. Really over pissed.

Speaking of this, I must thank Samuel for noticing my presence man. Even though GN bong jun they all didnt took on his invitation to go for some christmas carolling last year, he still asked me if I wanted to go. Though plainly obvious that he only asked me cos I was there, like duh lol if jun bong GN didnt go there was no way Samuel and me would attend anything together alone right. Looks awkward.

My whole secondary school life, GFs were upmost important for me. I try hard to think of surprises for their birthdays. Handful of friends like barb, jingyuen, ben, ivy & gerald. The rest are plainly humans there. Or maybe some I really have time to know them well enough, like Melissa and jaclyn.

I wasnt really as enthu as I looked like in CCA. I have a feeling that my batch people were feeling that I'm flauting my power as the chairman or something. Something I never clarified, but I think they just didnt want to hurt me by telling me that. I wasnt really. But it was kinda expectant for me to be the chairman cos I'd won some crummy bronze award during my sec2 year while my friends failed at it. Must have looked like some pro, truth? Nope I'm not, I just worked harder than the rest of them. Jun could have won me easily if she was serious. It just happened that the number of people in my solo comp had only 9 people while the rest had 10 over people competing for the medal.

Even in sec3, I had been pressuring my batch people to turn up for practice blah blah, it's a bo bian right? Isnt it like a responsibilty to turn up for CCA? I'm gonna contradict but abit of ditching is healthly (: for sake of social welfare(eg. dating)! That year I became chairman, Gerald once gave me a "So what if you're chairman" kinda attitude, cos I had to take over the training when coach wasnt there, so when I was in charge how on earth am I supposed to train with them. Plus that day I've already went for practice an hour early and trained myself. It wasnt like I skipped or anything. I thought I had been all-round fair, a little bias towards sec4s for post-cleaning up, I allowed some fooling around, I even took turns with them all when training cos evidently everyone likes skipping the warmup training.

Yet I was treated with this kinda fcuk-ed attitude from the guy who is also my primary school friend. Okay maybe not friend, schoolmate can? Though he apologized later on, I felt damn hurt, at the very least I had been a good friend to him. Dropped him like a hot charcoal. He still owes me $1.10! :( joking lah, gerald has been a good friend to me, sometimes he just has PMS I guess.

Anyway the point is being the chairman isnt very nice. I kinda pity Jun & GN. Cos even though they wanted to skip CCA it's because of me they couldnt skip. Most of the time yijun even agreed to my many times of selfish request to go CCA early. Thank you yijun! hearts hearts.

I find that yijun and me were very similar, in terms of friends. Once friends friends forever kind. Though sometimes I couldnt get what she's thinking, or comfort her when she's feeling low etcetc. Infact I have no idea to comfort anyone, I cant like lie and tell people that things are good when it isnt. (thats so why I suck at being a promoter)

Sometimes I get piss of of her because of her mum, imagine that. Stupid really, I'm angry at my friend over her mother.

Really stupid.

Cos I cant understand why her mum thinks so strictly and so on, being a very unrational person I am, I aimed my fury at her daughter -__- like it would help anything LOL. Iyah! yijun loves her mummy, I'm nothing compared to her mummy. Too late to realise that now LOL.

Sometimes yijun would ask me to listen to a song she liked then, and wait excitedly for me to show some reaction. *laughs. But most of the time I couldnt dig what she digged and gave her a neutral opinion. My reation very slow so sorry, plus I listen to songs by their tune, not lyrics. Cant blame me mah cos when I play audition I only listen to the tune & beat. Couldnt understand the lyrics anyway..

Ugh I'm digressing again, back to friends terms. I felt thats so why we both stuck ever more closely with each other when we felt bong furthering away from us. I could almost love her as a sister. But I could only have 1 sister so LOL.
Just one thing, I couldnt feel too happy for her when she stead with her *ahem BF(!). Apologises! I mean it's hard to feel happy for someone who has gotten full marks for a test and there you are getting 0 for it right? Same here, I'm single! Yet my GF is eloping somewhere with her new BF and will most likely have even lesser time for me.

*pouts unhappily

Nonetheless I'm happy that she found a worthy BF for her :D Just not 100% happy, maybe 80%? Forgive me ok!

Friends terms again, I feel that bong doesnt treat it as seriously as me, or so I think. Maybe I'm the one who's over-treating it. Cant help it cos my dad was this kinda guy. Being a *cough Gangster he was in the past like my grandpa was before him. Gangsters in the past have way more guts than the sissies ones we have now can. They are like, brothers for life kinda thing, so I've gotten the spirit in my dad!
Anyway, I know Bong doesnt treat our friendship as a come and go thing, I'm happy! I always try to think that it's the way we're brought up that leads to how we treat relationships.

Remembered somewhere in sec3, being a very forgetful person I am, I forgotten to bring my pencil for a MCQ exam. And bong gave me (GAVE ME OK) her mechanic pencil, saying that she has 2 pencils anyway. I was touched can! The mechanical pencil? I took it home and framed it up.

Very sadly, it has met its fateful end when mummy took it, along with my school skirt, and dunked them together into the washing machine.. zz It ended in a mangled mess. I brought another one, though no more sentimental value :/ orange somemore (I never like orange) -__- and brougt a orange eraser to go along with it. HAHA I'm acting like a total bong's fan here.

GN has way too many friends. *LAUGH! not something I can comment on, we're not too close strictly saying. Embarassing to say this but it feels as if the only thing I know about GN is that she likes lime green and knows how to make yummy sushi.

This is all my fault. I admit I had been too nonchanlant in the past. Over caring my gans than my friends around me. Whilst I'm busying looking cool with all my gans, my friends I've neglected had already passed me by miles.

BeautiFOOLS were built on a weak foundation. I'd just realise this. We came together because of our hatred for Kaiting did we not? Irritated by the same person, we came together and ganged up against her. I'm the most grudge-holding one, cos I got wrongly accused by her the longest. Til today I still hate her from the bottom of my guts. She almost tie with Meihui. But I dont see her anymore so I'm forgetting it.

Anyhoo, when the beautiFOOLS started being on friendly terms with kt again there was already no meaning in having the group ardy. This is all my opinion la. But I cant help but think that our friendship were weak cos it was built on hatred for one person. *shrugs

Dont even know why I brought it up. Still remembered in sec3 bong, jun and me gotten the same ring, I craved theONEs on mine, cos we're Yijun, Yishi and Yisen (: Lame? I think not. And we were in the same class ma. Nostelgic

There are so many things I want to say, but I've forgotten most of them and some of them I really cant express them in words.

Just one more. If my memory didnt fail me. A week plus ago, I saw Freddy's comment on jun's LJ. Stating that there will be a march hol outing. Yet I knew nothing of it. Jun replied saying GN confirmed it yada yada. Feeling ridiculously negative again I felt outcast again. Afterall they went to the same JC mah, I wasnt updated in anything and havent even met them since eons ago. 3months? maybe. Cant help these unhappy thoughts can I? YOU cant believe how fcuking relieve I was when I saw Billie's facebook note, which she had tagged me. Of which out of like 10 or so notes that I had 1% of my life ever stumbling across it, there was this "• What would u say to 3(me) : Outing in March Hols girl! :D"
No I dont think there's anyone in this world who could empatize with me then, how pathetic I felt. It was almost ridiculous.

Maybe I was being paranoid cos my GF had actually forgotten to tell me that she was not going to be home on that day I went to collect my disc. I know bong is really sorry for forgetting to mention to me that she had a date with some other people to celebrate someone's birthday, but it's so .. Like i'm halfway there and everything.

Ignorance is bliss really.

Little things like that can actually un-nerve me like siao. I'm being so paranoid! gah! I'm not saying that I'm perfect and that I'm the freaking best friend in the whole world who can like be sensitive to all of her friends, I have my flaws too. A damn long list I'm sure, with short temper ranked at the upmost top.

This post isnt to scold my friends or blaming them or to make them feel guilty or what. It's just a collection of things I had neglected to open up about in the past. Plus they are all over! My GF's are the best and no hitting on my GFs!

Outing during march hols, I'm looking forward to it!